For twenty four years I lived my life being who others desired me to be in order to fit into the realm of what is normal. On February 2nd, 2014 -the day before my 25th birthday- I discovered not only who I was but largely who I wasn’t. My journey toward enlightenment has not been easy nor is it something I desire to go through again. However, if I had to repeat those years, my one request would be to take the knowledge I have gained with me so that I may truly give life a run for its money.
On that day back in February, I was forced -by the God of my understanding- to grasp the concept that I am worth more than what I have been led to believe. In that moment God wrapped his arms around me and I gave all the pain of the past to him. My tears of pain became tears of joy and relief. In that instance of release I was no longer that timid young man, who looked down for fear of being ridiculed for how he chose to express himself. No longer was I that college student who second guessed getting a higher education, or that Pan-gender Pan-sexual identified individual who told people he was Gay because it made others feel more comfortable.
Since that day, wisdom filled revelations have led me to the belief that I am a young black man of God who loves not by choice but instead by nature and nurture. Filled with that agape love, I understand that I am a work in progress and a forever evolving family man. Within my family I am know by many nicknames and descriptors. I am lil brother, Cocoa, mother, father, son, uncle, DeVonte’, and the list goes on. with my favorite being: Support System. This title stems from the multiple sub-categories of family that I am apart of. Having 8 children of my own -not by birth- has taught me responsibility, patience, and given me a new appreciation for loving unconditionally. Did I mention patience? Just checking. On a more serious note, thus far life has taught me lessons and skills out the wazoo -patience being one but not the most influential.
“…find your power. You know you’re strong…” -Lyrics from Chaka Khan’s Keep Your Head Up.
In planning to write this entry I realized that I could not simply write about who I am because I needed to first give credit to who I was. I am a believer that a person’s past CAN influence their present and inevitably their future. During my teenage years battling with suicide and feelings of insecurity brought me to a dark place where I thought that I would be for the rest of my life. As God would have it failed attempts at ending my life became my motivation for pushing forward through the pain. I got so low that all I could do was go up. Situations such as this one are the reason why I can say that one of my greatest accomplishment to date is having made it 10 years without an attempt at committing suicide. I am living proof that once you find that power over what tries to hold you back from your full potential, there is no where to go but up .
“Find your power. You know you’re strong.” Within the last few months I have discovered a different type of gratitude for vulnerability. In your lowest moments you must be willing to be vulnerable enough with yourself and be able to push -sometimes kick- forward through the hard times. On that day back in February, I was forced -by the God of my understanding- to grasp the concept that I am worth more than what I have been led to believe. Today, I am proud to say that, “I’ll never be perfect, but at at least now I am brave.” (lyrics from Alicia Key’s song entitled Brand New Me). Brave enough to grind through the bad and the good times all the while allowing myself to learn more about who I am destined to be.
Who am I? A lover of me.
Thanks for stopping by RAMBILITIES!
“This is a true confession of a life-learned lesson I was sent here to share with ya’ll.” -India Arie