Today I had a conversation with a dear friend about how I stopped being cold on the inside as well as on the outside to others but most of all to myself. I didn’t know what I had done until I had to put it into words to share my experience.
What you will read next is how I got out of the colder phase of my life…
I pointed my finger back at me asking, what did I do wrong? I had to understand that those ppl who hurt me didn’t/don’t deserve me. And I had to own my shit, laying my flaws out in plain sight for me to truly see which led to being vulnerable with myself. In owning my shit I had deal with my shit.
My fears, my pain, my jealousy, my wrath, my addictions and vices, & my lack of love and appreciation for myself. I found that the validation I desired started within me. I could no longer have this unrealistic optimism attached to these bullshit expectations that I had for others that I wasn’t fulfilling for myself; subconsciously destroying myself from the inside out to the outside in.
It is still a journey depending on the situation or person or thing but what I am gaining in the long run is JOY. I wake up feeling more energetic, less depressed, and with faith in me from a holistic perspective. I at times still beat myself up second guessing what I deserve but I look at the present and future me in comparison to the old me from 2013 & before like those few moments are worth finding my joy.
I am no longer cold to people because I stopped being cold with and to myself. I learned how to love and trust me from what I learned from my past indiscretions. I no longer williningly dwell on/in those negative emotions or feelings.
I now trust my judgement of ppl and surround myself with those who show me support when I need it just as I do for them. I got tired of hurting and began to make changes to be greater for me.
2013 tore me apart…2014 taught me how to deal with and handle soo much…2015 I’m striving for joy.
Thanks for stopping by RAMBILITIES!
“This is a true confession of a life-learned lesson I was sent here to share with ya’ll.” -India Arie