Hello my frenemy. It has been years since I have written about you and even longer since my diagnosis. Lets be clear: I will not let you win!
I use to be in the dark about what was going on with me asking, ‘why do I get so sad that I don’t wanna move and why do I feel so upbeat that I wanna move mountains?’ When I was told that I had Bipolar 2 Disorder it was years too late for someone to tell me what I had came to accept since 7th grade.
Do you remember the infamous doctor visit? My doctor told me I that what I know now to have been known as Bipolar 2 Disorder was merely that my unstable moods were due to puberty. *Bullshit alert goes off*. At soon to be 30, I accept that this Disorder is not puberty but instead a chemical imbalance and a war that I will probably be fighting for the rest of my life to maintain control over.
I’m reminded of several depressive times in my life where I could have thrown in the towel allowing you to win. At times you have brought me to the darkest places of my mind causing me to write several suicide notes, poems that were actually my cries for help, and even attributed to my choice to the hypersexuality in my younger years as I searched for validation from those who did not value themselves or me. You tried to fucking break me down to nothing and still have not prevailed.
Old friend, I want to swear and to spit at your name but I will not give you the satisfaction anymore of controlling my peace. For the last 15+ years I’ve given you the authority to run rampant over my life and steal my joy. Not anymore! Today I reclaim my peace! Today I affirm that I am a strong, powerful, and loving person who DESERVES every blessing that comes their way. I am…WE are worth it!
On February 4, I begin therapy again and on February 13 I sit down with a psychiatrist to discuss what are the next steps towards switching our leasing agreement. No longer will I feel like a stranger in my own body. In February, I begin having those uncomfortable and vulnerable conversations about how I begin living with you, Bipolar 2 Disorder, instead of continuing the fight against you being apart of who I am.
Thank you for in your own way directing me to this moment of self reflection and taking strides towards CONTROL.
With love and appreciation,